Flash Back Frenzy
by baby jen
Summary: Carter Fic. Life changing development for him.I'm bad at summaries if you like Carter, I think you'll enjoy the fic. Please read it.


Disclaimer: i do not own er characters...i do not own er characters...i do not own er characters...(my therapist says I should repeat that to my self as often as i can!!(joke))  
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Flashback Frenzy  
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(*AN: Remember the one where Carter saves that girl-when only moments later her sister walks in and shoots her? This is a bit of a twist on that thing!enjoy, baby jen:))  
  
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"...nice job, Carter!"  
  
Carter smiled with relief. He needed that. It was the first real boost of confidence he'd had in a long while. It showed him and everyone else that what ever had happened -he was still a damn good doctor.  
  
He was just about to transport her up-everyone else had left the trauma room-when a young asian girl walked in.  
  
"Is she dead"  
  
"No -I'm about to..."  
  
*BANG-BANG-BANG--BANG* 4 bullet shots.  
  
Kerry ran into the trauma room with the other staff. They saw the girl lying dead on the gurney-and Carter covered in blood...on the floor next to her-with a bullet wound to the gut.  
  
  
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*Where am I?*  
  
Carter looked around him. He was dressed in suit. In a white place full of nothingness.   
His words echoed around him.  
  
*Where am I...Where am I...Where am I..."  
  
He began to shout.  
  
*WHERE AM I-IS ANYONE THERE??*  
  
*Dang man-you don't gotta shout-i hear you!*  
  
Carter turned around and gasped. He couldn't believe his eyes.  
  
*D-Denis? Denis G-Gant!??!*  
  
*What's the matter -you don't remember your old pal??*  
  
*I-I...where am I?*  
  
*I technical place for this place eludes me-but I get the idea that this is some sort a half-way point. You know-between life and death?? I passed through on my 'way out'. Don't worry man- You ain't dead YET.*  
  
*What? what...[carter's memeory returned slowly of the trauma room]...oh my God-I was shot-no-NO i'm not dying am I?.*  
  
*Well-that depends on your doc friends. If they can save you then no. Either way-while you're hear -you got some people who kinda wanna have a word with you, man. We all been seein' what you put yourselfthrough. That day in day out hell. Come on man-this ain't you. Now grab a seat and listen up.*  
  
*What seat?*  
  
Carter flinched as two easy chairs appeared a la MATRIX style.  
  
*Them seats-now sit your ass down* laughed Dennis in good nature.  
  
Gingerly-Carter sat down still nervous about the fact that his body back on earth couldn't be doing so well if his mind was here.  
  
*Now listen bro, you gotta stop blamin' yourself for everything bad that happens around you. Hell -I remember when I died-I saw you-blamin' yourself sayin' you weren't a friend to me and all that. Come on man-you were a friend, we all get a little wrapped in our ownlives at times-it's human. Quit beatin' yourself up. Besides...I didn't jump.*  
  
Carter looked up at Dennis.  
  
*I didn't jump. I fell...it's just like that. Stay cool, bro-I'll see ya man.*  
  
*wait Dennis, wait!!*  
  
Dennish vanished. Carter was alone. He pondered over what he had said. It had been an accident. All this time he'd blamed himself thinking it was suicide. All along it was an accident.   
  
*wow* muttered Carter.  
  
*Hey-little bro-what's up??"  
  
Carter knew that voice. He turned and looked around to see a similar version of himself staring back at him. It had been so long-and last since he saw him he was nine. But here in front of him now was his big brother Bobby-all grown up as though he'd never left.*  
  
*BOBBY!!*  
  
Carter ran to embrace his older brother. It had been so long.  
  
*Bobby-hey how come you don't nine?*  
  
*John we don't have all day-you wanna waste time talkin' about that -or get to good stuff?* Laughed back his brother.  
  
*Guess your right* grinned Carter. *How are you?*  
  
*Blissfully content, actually-that's pretty much how it goes here.* He lowered his voice. *Except maybe recently*.  
  
*What do you mean* replied Carter.  
  
*Come on John, all I ever see when I look dwon on you is you tormenting yourself. You didn't kill that girl Lucy, John. It's time to stop blaming yourself and move on with your life-or that dippy caring guy in you that everyone loves will destroy himself. ..[Bobby put his hand on Carter's shoulder] ...come on-you'd have to be beating yourself up pretty bad to have driven your self into drug addicton."  
  
Carter turned away realising that his brother-who he had idolised as a child knew his darkest secrets. He knew all about the drugs and ATlanta and Lucy. He hadn't missed a thing. Carter's heart ached with shame.  
  
*There, you see, John-you're doing it again. Beating yourself up like that-no wonder you couldn't sleep all those nights. Give yourself a break man you're only human-you're gonna make mistakes from time to time. You have to forgive yourself.*  
  
Bobby hugged his brother one last time and said: *I think there's only one person to convince you of that.* With that Bobby melted into thin air.  
  
*NO, WAIT-BOBBY, COME BACK!!"  
  
*Shhh...not so loud John-you'll make me go deaf!!*  
  
Carter froze in his steps.   
  
The voice spoke again. *Or would you prefere 'Dr Carter'??* it said cheekily.  
  
*Oh my God...Lucy!?*  
  
Carter turned around. There she was. Dressed in slacks and a blue cardigan. It brought out her honest blue eyes. Her blond hair lay naturally at her shoulders. She smiled and said: *Well I thought I'd a little warmer a welcome than this!! ha ha*  
  
She walked up to Carter and hugged him. He reciprocated -though didn't feel easy about the situation. He was confused. He didn't know whether to hug her or run from her. Here was a friend he had missed- but a friend he blamed himself for being killled. He just didn't know what to do or say. How could she ever forgive him."  
  
*John-cut it out!!*  
  
He stopped his trail of thought as she stepped back.  
  
*Sheesh-you've been torturing yourself for months, you don't need to do it here and now too!! Hell John, *I* don't blame you for what happened-why on earth should YOU blame yourself??*  
  
He looked her in the eyes.  
  
*John-I see you destroying yourself from the inside every day. Hell-when was the last time you really laughed-or felt happy-or even relaxed?? ...[she took his hands]...Listen-I'm OK-see? I'm always happy-EXCEPT when I look down at you -all wrapped up in a hell you've created for yourself. Please let go of what happened that night in trauma 3. I don't want you to remember me that way. Just think of me every now and again the way I *was*-not the way I went!!*  
  
She took him in her arms one last time. He finally spoke.  
  
*lucy-I'm sorry. Not just for ...you know, but for all those times I moaned at you and never appreciate..*  
  
*HEY-come on-if you learn nothing else from this whole life/death experience -at least remeber this: You're only human John! Everyone else knows that except, it seems, you! It's time you start learning how to forgive your self!! It's time the *real* John Carter...{she points to his heart} ...in HERE, damn well *wakes the hell up*!! Ha ha. Bye!! It''s time you go back now.*  
  
*No...wait up!! Wait up!!.Waaaaiiii...................*  
  
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"WAKE UP-Carter....hey everyone, he's coming to!"  
  
Carter looked up from where he was lying on a bed. He looked round at the concerned faces of his colleagues. Peter Benton approached and spoke to him.  
  
"Hey Carter. Glad you're awake man-hell you gave us quite a scare!! The bullet didn't tear any major organs. It was a quick surgery-in and out in 40 minutes! You've been asleep for hours though."  
  
"Didn't feel long enough, though." Carter laughed smilin.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Not important-Dr Benton. I'm just grateful to finally* wake up.*"  
  
THE END  
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AN: Please R&R, and thanx for your time. Hope you liked it-Baby Jen :)  



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